The Life Of A Single Mommy

Strong - What is strong? It is the power to stand back up when life has knocked you down. It is the courage to turn the doorhandle of life, not know what is waiting on the other side of the entrance. It a force within your heart that makes you step forward on the path of life. It is the zeal of a single mother raising her children, all alone.

My parents had come for the birth of my son and it was time they had to go home. I dreaded this day, it was the day I knew I would be left to face single motherhood all alone. I remember my parents were leaving the same time I was leaving to take the baby for his 1 week check up at the pediatrician’s office. They both gave me and my son hugs and kisses then as I was getting in my car, my Dad said three little words, “Just stay strong”. I’ve replayed those words in my head so many times that you would think it was the latest Billboard Top 100 Hit. I drove to the doctor’s office and cried the whole way. This wasn’t something that I was sure I could do by myself. Could I be a mother and a father to a baby, could I handle the pressures of midnight feedings, dirty diapers, and sleepless nights all alone? I can’t count the nights that all I heard was endless crying and it wasn’t the baby I was hearing. The only tears falling every night were coming from my single Mommy eyes.

My 5 year old daughter wanted to stay with me one night a couple weeks after the birth of my son. It was just us three. She wanted to watch a movie, so I told her to put it in. I laid there on the couch with the baby at my side. The next thing I knew I was awakened by the sound of my ex-boyfriend’s voice, “LaDawn, LaDawn!” I jumped up off the couch, “What are you doing here?”, I asked. He said, “Destiny called me, she said you fell asleep and she got scared because she couldn’t wake you up”. I couldn’t believe I had done that. I hadn’t had a full nights sleep in so long that I guess I just totally passed out. I remember my ex-boyfriend leaving and tears flowed down my face. I couldn’t believe I had put fear in the heart of my daughter all because I was so exhausted. I was however glad she knew what to do if something like that happened, but heartbroken at the thought that she had to go through it.

I had bills to pay and no one to run errands but me. I had given birth two weeks ago. I walked through the doors of my bill collector. The lady behind the counter asked if she could see my baby and I gladly showed him off. She said, “Wow, he’s so tiny. How old is he?” I replied, “He’s two weeks old today”. She said, “Two weeks!?!? What are you doing out? When I had my children I wasn’t up and running around paying bills. Honey, aren’t you sore?” I said, “Yes, I am still sore.” But what pain I felt within my body was nothing compared to the mental pain I felt every day. Some may call it “Postpartum Depression”, but it felt like, fear and sadness, exhaustion and pain all rolled in a ball and stuffed right into my heart. The throbbing in my throat, the spinning of my head, it was what it was and it still is what it is.

Single Motherhood seems to be a long road to travel and mine has really just begun. Every day, I wake up to a new challenge and every night I fall asleep to a silent prayer. Every day I think I’ve finally reached my breaking point, yet I keep fighting the fight of my life. I’ve fought through the exhaustion. I have fought through all the pain. I’ve fought to keep my sanity. And I have continuely fought to “Just stay strong”.

© 2009 LaDawn Cossey

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