The Life Of A Single Mommy

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So, it has pretty much been a quiet evening tonight.  Justice is asleep on my lap as I type.  What innocence.   It’s what being a mother is all about, looking at the beauty of life.

If only every night was as simple as tonight.  Getting a load of laundry done, picking up the house a bit, doing a little online earning, and enjoying the night with my  2 year old son.

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I don’t deserve love, I don’t deserve happiness, I don’t deserve anything.  I screwed up my life and now I have to deal with it.

I want more than God will ever allow me to have and I’ve been dumb enough to believe that He will give it to me, thus I have given myself false hopes and ever day that passes me by feels just like another dagger being stuck in my heart.

NO ONE, NO ONE wants to be with me.  NO ONE, NO ONE will ever love me.  NO ONE, NO ONE will ever care about me.  I hate my life, I hate who I am, I hate being the girl who pretends she is okay with her life when she isn’t.  I’m tired of smiling when all I want to do is cry.

I feel as if God has forsaken me.  I’ve prayed and prayed, I’ve begged and begged that God give me someone.  I have ever since I was a little girl and now I’m 30.  I guess it is just time to face it, God doesn’t have anyone out there for me.  No one would have me, why would they want me?  I can’t continue to live my life like this, I can’t live my life unhappily ever after.  I WANT A HAPPY ENDING!  Why can’t I just have my happily ever after?

Sometimes, I get these feelings.  I’m not sure where they come from.  Perhaps you could classify them as “wishful thinking”.  Whatever it is that you want to call it, I have one of these feelings now.  This feeling keeps telling me that something good is going to happen to or for me on March 18th and/or March 19th.  I’m not sure what makes these two days so special, but this feeling is so exciting!  I can’t wait for these two days to get here so I can see if my feeling is real and see if it meant anything.

Maybe you can consider this “wishful thinking” to be a leap of faith.  It is stepping out and saying, “Something good is going to happen for me”.  It is my 6th sense of hope.

Now, if these two days come and nothing good happens to me, will I be disappointed?  Well, yes and no.  Yes, because I expected something wonderful and exciting to happen on these two days and if it doesn’t then, sure I’m going to feel a little down about it.  But also, no, because just knowing that God gave me one more day to wake up and live my life, enjoying every minute of being a mother to my beautiful children should be blessing enough, right?  Not all women get the opportunity to have children.  Being a mother is an exhilaring experience and getting to do it not only once but twice is the greatest blessing I have ever experienced in my life.

© 2009 LaDawn Cossey

Lately, I have done a whole lot of soul searching.  I’ve been praying and asking God to help me along this journey of single, motherhood.  It isn’t an easy road traveled, but I’ve always made it through everything with the grace of God.

My latest  epiphany is one that may sound a little silly, but I honestly have faith that this is going to happen for me.  I’ve been posting blogs every so often about what it is like to be a single mother and now I have determined when this blog will come to an end and I will be a “taken” mommy.

Forty, forty posts, that is when it will end.  In the Bible, the number forty has such great significance.  It rained for 40 days and nights, Moses was on the mountain 40 days and 40 nights.  The Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years.  There are many other references in the bible where 40 days or years is of significance but the true meaning of this all is that these times were a period of testing, trials and tribulations.  I’ve said so many times that I felt I was being tested by God and if it is the last thing I will ever do, I WILL PASS THIS TEST!

So, there you have it, my belief is, when I post my 40th post here on this blog it will be about finding the man of my dreams and he will be a gift from God.  It may sound crazy, but we all have to have something to believe in, right?

© 2009 LaDawn Cossey

It’s a night out on the town for three single ladies.  Myself, my 8 year old daughter, Destiny and my “adopted” 15 year old daughter, Shanna.  Before we go, I put on my makeup.  At one time I wouldn’t wear makeup at all, but I’ve come to a point where a little makeup is fine with me.  We go out to eat and then do a bit of shopping.  We go to “The Dollar Tree”, our local $1 shop where everything costs one dollar.  Before we go in I want to touch up my lipstick.  Destiny sighs, “Oh, Mom”.  I respond, “What?  A girl has to look her best.  She never knows when she might run into a good looking guy and from what I heard, all the good looking guys shop at The Dollar Tree”.  Of course I was being a little sarcastic, but she didn’t realize it.

After shopping, we finally go to check out and while the lady is ringing up our items, Destiny asks, “So Mom, did you see any good looking guys here in The Dollar Tree tonight?”.  It was a little embarrassing, but oh so cute as well.

Truth be known, you never do know where the man of your dreams might be waiting for you.  Looking your best is always a plus.  On this particular night, I ran into someone that I would love to hook-up with.  Although, I doubt it will ever happen, I still went into the bowling alley that night looking my best.  Who knows what the future holds, even if I didn’t catch that man’s eye, I may have caught another man’s.

© 2009 LaDawn Cossey

Sometimes, I don’t want to be the woman who looks back at me in my mirror.  I don’t want to be the woman who deserves a good man in her life.  I don’t want to be the woman who has waited forever to find her one true love.  I don’t want to be the woman who lives her solitary life in her dreams.  I’m tired of dreaming dreams that will never come true.  I’m tired of dreaming of guys who haven’t got a clue to even knowing who I really am.  Men who don’t realize a good woman when they see one.

 Maybe I’m no beauty queen.  I never have been, but I have the heart of a good woman.  If only I could find a man who could realize just how good of a woman I am.  It’s funny, how some men can look at me and say, “Any man would be lucky to have you in his life”, but these are all men who are already taken.  Why can’t a man who isn’t taken look at me and see what these men see in me?

 A friend of mine and I were having a conversation one day.  I said, “I’m 30 years old and I still haven’t gotten married, so I would say that it isn’t in my future”.  He said, “It’s just like a car.  You might see that fancy car that you want, but right now, you just don’t have the money for it, but that doesn’t mean that you will never have it”.  Maybe he is right, maybe I see what I want but even though right now, I can’t have it, it doesn’t mean that I won’t eventually have it.  

But right now, if I had one word that I had to describe how I feel, it would be “empty”.  I am unfulfilled, there is that one thing missing in my life, it’s my one true love.  It’s a man who cares about me.  I don’t need money, diamonds or pearls.  I need love, understanding and someone who just cares.  But one thing that I vow is that I will not push myself on a man.  If he doesn’t want to be with me, then he just doesn’t want to be with me, it is that simple.  I won’t beg a man to love or be with me.

My heart feels like a piece of chalk.  My past lovers have used it to decorate their sidewalks.  I gave them every color of the rainbow to work with and they left me scratched and scarred for life.  I will never get back what I gave them, I will never lose the scars, but I do have a stub left that I could give to a good man who would have it.

When you love someone, you would give them everything you had.  I would give a man every ounce of happiness that I had, even if it meant that it left me with nothing.  That is love, giving your all even if you get nothing in return.  It isn’t about what you get from it all, it’s what you can give.  Yes, I want someone to feel the same way about me.  I want them to give me their all, but if I knew that I made someone happy that would be the best feeling of all.

© 2009 LaDawn Cossey

I’ve always been overweight for primarily most of life.  I lost a bunch of weight when I was a teenager, but after having two children, I gradually put it all back on plus a few pounds to boot.  After having children, every day life becomes so much more time consuming.  A mother tries to make meals go as fast as they can, trying to keep both children happy with the kinds of foods they like best.  Sometimes those foods don’t look so good on a mother’s hips.

These pounds really pack on some punch.  To me, they are a slap in the face.  They hold me back from my full potential.  These pounds don’t show how beautiful I am on the inside, yet to me, they reflect the depression and heartache that I have lived.

It has been over eight years since I gave birth to my daughter, Destiny.  I currently weigh twenty pounds more than I did before I got pregnant with her.  Sad thing to say is, I’ve been dieting for a little over a month now and I’ve lost twenty pounds as well, so before I began this diet I weight forty pounds heavier than the day I found out that I was pregnant for the first time.

Every day, I look at myself in the mirror and I think to myself, “How did I let myself get like this?”.  I hate all the weight that I’ve put on and for years I have let it depress me.  Now, I’m losing myself, losing the weight that has held me back in so many ways.  This weight has made me feel self-conscience about myself and the way I look and losing this weight will give me more confidence in myself to be who I want to be.  Who I am on the inside will finally show itself on the outside.  I want to be beautiful on the inside and the outside.  I’m not saying that I’m not beautiful now, but I want to be a more healthier beautiful.

© 2009 LaDawn Cossey

It’s 4 in the morning, I’m wide awake.  “Why?”, I ask myself and I don’t even know the answer.  Is it the stress of motherhood or the heartache of single-hood or some other reason?

I should be sound asleep.  A single mommy needs all the rest she can get because EVERY day is a BUSY day.  There’s work to be done, things to be finished at the job, at home, and other places as well.  Children’s activities to attend, school functions, housework, cooking, exercising…the list just never ends.

I get so tired of being tired.  It sounds funny, I know but it seems that I stay tired, day in….day out, so why can’t I sleep?  Tomorrow brings so many things that I need to do and want to do.  If I don’t sleep then I’m not going to have the energy to do all these things.

Maybe I will try to go back to sleep and rest my weary heart and body.  I hope and pray that I will get the rest that I need to make it through another day in the life of a single mommy.

© 2009 LaDawn Cossey